I'm so broken and don't know how to even begin to repair or heal. Everyone says that it will happen, that it will take time, etc., but I really wonder if I can make it. It's been almost a year since Gessner died--11 months, 14 days, 4 hours, and 7 minutes to be more precise--but it still feels like it can't be true. I can't be a widow. I just can't. I can't do this without him and honestly I don't want to. I never thought that I would be a person that would say something like that--I always considered myself to be so independent, but right now it just hurts too much and I have nothing left to fight for. I am so tired of just surviving and fighting through every day.
And I can't say this to anyone. Because if I do, they worry about me or try to make me feel better. I look at the pain in my friends' eyes when they see me cry and it breaks my heart. I hate that I hurt people just by being alive and there isn't a way to not hurt them. But I'm selfish and I want them. I don't want to be alone. But in reality I am alone. I am surviving, but just barely.
6 comments:
Oh man Lisa, that is tough. First off though, we're talking about Clane...you know he's going to take the most amazing shots of you - for you. <3 Those would be very special pictures.
I totally get the feeling of hurting those around you just by being alive or sick. I've been feeling similar things about transplant and seeing my family suddenly coming to these harsh realities. I see their pain, and it's because of me. I hate that!! I try to just take in the love they have for me, but it's tough.
Love to you ~
Re: "I have nothing left to fight for."
One thing my experience with breast cancer has taught me is that I am worth fighting for. I may not have kids to take care of, or a husband who needs me, but I am a valuable person even without those things.
Seeing my parents and siblings and friends so sad about my disease eventually made me realize that I have an important role in their lives. And an important role in this world. And so do you, Lisa.
Fight for you. You are worth it. When things are awful, focus only on the day ahead of you -- what you need to do to get through it, and what you can do to make it a tiny bit more pleasant.
I promise you, things do get better, once the physical effects of treatment wane, and you have a chance to start processing things emotionally. And I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. Life is really cruel sometimes.
Lisa,
Don't worry about others, they can take care of themselves.
You have to be selfish right now to take care of yourself.
This is a super hard time of year for you and you have overcome so much - yet lost so much - in the past two years and I can't imagine the pain and grief you must bear as you reflect and continue on in life.
Thank you for being real.
Love you.
~Leena
Hi Lisa, please find someone to talk to. You don't have to do this alone. A few years ago I had to deal with the death of a close friend...she was murdered. I would never have gotten through it without the help of a psychologist. There are really good ones out there who can help.
YOU were made for a purpose. None of us can live for someone else, whether we are married or single or have kids or not. Our lives carry purpose because of the ONE who created us. We are all created with a calling...find your calling and live it to the fullest. YOU are a gift to many!!!
That friend!
Anon: I do have a therapist and a wonderful professional support system. A therapist, no matter how good, however, can't fix everything. My blog is a place for me to vent and get things out. And the reality is that I am alone in the sense that my husband is not here to hold my hand through this. No friend or therapist can change that.
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